By Bernard

11 June 2002

[This article was written after a Bible study discussion on being gay and Christian.]

The question was how has being gay been for my Christian walk — awareness of my sexuality took form in my early years and has been a large part of my struggles through life (the nature of the struggle changes of course). It first took root as a burden but gradually I have begun to see it as a wonderful gift.

When God gave me life, he gave me the chance to enter into an intimate relationship with him through my experiences. I believe that it is from discovering my sense of self that I find Him (and the other way round — in finding Him, I find myself). As Teresa of Avila so beautifully expressed:

The journey to god is also a journey to the self. It is an inward journey to god, which is at the same time a movement into self-knowledge. Union with god at the center involves the fullest possible possession of your own life.

Someone once told me that the call of Christ, "Come follow me" (John 1:43) involves three aspects — it is a call to self-identity, to a lifestyle and to a mission. Something that Christ demonstrated in his own life.

Maybe I can share a little of how my sexuality has influenced my calling in these areas. The call to self-identity involves many aspects of which my sexuality is only part of it (but I will only touch on that here). Much of my struggle with my sexuality had a lot to do with the church's and society's attitude towards us. In the beginning, and I'm sure even now, my self-perception was largely colored and shaped by the ignorance and prejudice of others. And so I built walls — to protect, to stay in the community.

Then came the process of coming out — it has been and still is a complex emotional psychological and sexual experience of naming oneself gay. It involves changing one's self-concept, reinterpreting past history and changing relations with others. It forced me to explore deeply my relationship with god and the church.

I went off on a journey of searching and I'm still on that journey. It was a search for god outside of the church. I'm still in the process of discovering him, which I think will be a lifetime's work — He has become a god who is far more interesting, challenging and also mysterious than before. In coming to an acceptance of my sexuality, my image and imaginings of god changed too.

The call to a lifestyle — having approached a more coherent self, the question then is how do I live it? Or rather how do I live in such a way that I find and touch Him? This is a more difficult bit as it moves away from intellectual concepts to real living. I think firstly it became a call to hope — as look back in my life experiences, with all its lights and shadows, I get a sense that everything does eventually fall into place somehow.

Then it is also a call to simplicity, openness and risk — having gone through process of coming out I have learnt, albeit slowly, to discard those things that weigh me down and which do not give me life. By implication it also means discerning that my interaction with others does not put unnecessary burdens and weight on them too. This is still no easy task, to throw out stuff that I have carried for so long. I know I hold on to many still out of security and fear but being open also means the willingness to take risk.

Being a follower of Christ is about taking risk — a risking of self, of the comforts and security of the world, even the risk of coming out — it has given me new opportunities and experiences and a greater authenticity in my life. I know I still need to find courage to cast away some of the stuff I still carry around.

It is also a call to authenticity and truth. In trying to live honestly as a gay Christian man I had to lay down a lot of hopes and comforts but in seeking to live truthfully I feel a greater sense of freedom and am admittedly far happier in the process. In the process of seeking to live as truthfully as possible I have also questioned whether the Christian faith is the only true one ... I have no definite answer to that — but perhaps this best sums up my current approach:

Truth is truth no matter where it comes from, and I don't find that a cause of fear, even if it challenges my own framework…. The invitation to people who search for meaning is to try to hold open to the laying down of our perceptions alongside those of others and to walk an exciting journey of discovery together. (McRae-McMahon)

The call to mission — maybe I will keep that for another day. It is in a large part shaped by my response to my self-identity and lifestyle. There are times when I am too influenced by the world, by a need for security and comfort but at critical moments of decision making He calls and I am forced to respond authentically.

So the gift of my sexuality is also a gift of freedom, sensitivity, compassion, hope, authenticity, courage — it has in part shaped my walk with him in a manner that has been exciting and challenging. It has not been without its difficult bits ... but I have gotten a lot out of it and have been face to face with Him.