By Ckho

June 2002

I came to know God when I was about ten. He came to me in a time when I was scared and angry. My parents were perpetually fighting, my dad drunk and my mum helpless. When she told me once when I was nine, that it was for our sake that she's staying in this house, I felt like a criminal, guilty of causing such pain to someone I love. I cried out inside, for help, for comfort and growth and I longed for someone who could make things right.

God didn't turn up at my doorstep, but my aunt did. I went with her to church one Sunday to attend Sunday school, not knowing what it would be like. The teacher was going on about some stuff about Jesus and everyone seemed to know what it was but I didn't. The only thing I can remember up till today was when she made us read out loud "God will never abandon me" to each other. I listened to that when the little boy beside me read that to me and realised this "God" might just be the one to make things right.

Since then, I started my walk with the Lord. I had the notion that things would be changed now that I'm a Christian, but it didn't. My parents' relationship only worsened till this very day. My mum was working till she fell ill. My brother and I grew up feeling unloved. It was really tough. And to top it all off, He who created me, made me gay. God didn't make things right ever since I came to know Him.

But what He did for me was perhaps better. He gave me comfort when I was in tears looking at my parents fight. He provided the love that this family couldn't provide, and He loved me even more. He taught me lessons of humility when I tried to rely on myself solely. He made me experience what hurt was and how love can heal. Through the years, I began to develop this intimate relationship with Him. He taught and I listened. I asked and He replied. The God that I knew when I was ten changed from a deity far away and became a personal friend as the relationship grew. The only time when it was challenged was when I came out to myself.

I had an easier time reconciling both my sexuality and my faith compared to so many others that I know. Still, it was not an easy thing. The society is not one who believes that both aspects can be reconciled. Some probably consider that blasphemous. I spent quite a long time thinking about it when I was in university and one day, like a voice in my head, God asked me "Who are you in a relationship with? Is it Me, or the world outside? Have I not been your Creator, your Lord, your Friend?"

I wondered why, I never saw that before, why I was so fixated about how the outside world was having a say in this relationship I have with God. I wonder why sometimes so many Christian gay men and women don't see that either. This relationship is between the individual and God, not with the world. He created me and thus, my gayness too, not meant as a curse but to be utilised for His glory. He has blessed me much since I've came to know Him and have made me useful to spread His glory. And it is every part of me that is being used, including the gay aspect of my life.

Being involved in the ministry of Safehaven, I am involved in bringing people closer to God, helping them to mature their relationship with God. And seeing how this ministry has been doing so steadily with His Grace, it is perhaps the best affirmation that I have about God in my life, as one of His children and as a gay man.