By Jason Yeo

June 2002

[This article was written shortly after our 4th Annual Retreat]

Why I broke down in tears at the Retreat communion.

First of all, I would like to thank God again for making this trip a very fruitful one for me, for making my eyes 'open' to see the true love and care displayed among the brothers and sisters in this church, and for ensuring a safe trip for everyone of us all.

I have thought very hard about whether I want to reveal what you'll be reading next, because there is a social stigma about this. But I guess I have to cos' it leads on to why I cried at the communion.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for quite some time already. It may sound fashionable and 'very in', especially in the States, if you were to believe in Ally McBeal and all those Hollywood stuff, but I can tell you, it's not fun to see one in Singapore, not when you may have to do it at Woodbridge sometimes. Everytime when I go there, I always feel very sad when I see a young person who has totally lost control over his mind, and I thank God for pushing me towards seeking a healing process. and because of Him, I think I should not feel ashamed to talk about it. This is what sharing with church brothers and sisters is about, cos' besides helping myself, I might be able to help someone else thru' my experiences one day.

I have been suffering from depression for years. Actually, the psychiatrist has classified my case as a mild one, but I am aware that it has caused a change in me over the years. For those who know me may find it hard to believe, but my secondary school subject teacher actually wrote 'a very talkative boy' in her assessment report of me. Somehow along the way, I lost the zest for life, and I simply became 'silence of the lambs', ha ha. I became withdrawn and became known as the 'quiet guy'.

I'm sure everyone has gone through a depressive state sometime or the other, but it becomes a problem when a person seem to change into a different persona, like, from some talkative cheerful guy into a quiet, unfriendly guy. It's a shell that the person desires to break out of, but find it hard to, cos' he has completely become overwhelmed by it, as he can't remember what the source of his depression is anymore. It has seeped and embeded itself into the subconciousness of his mind, and slowly (for my case), it manifests itself in physical ways ( for me, it was eczema, and an irritable stomach where I find that I could not tolerate certain foods anymore for no other reason). It becomes even more dangerous when obssesive compulsive behaviour takes over. (I guess Clarence should know all the stuff I'm talking about here?)

Way before I seeked clinical treatment, I was introduced into a baptist church (meaning orthodox). Naturally I seek God for his help in this. My depressive state became worse later on, in part due to personal problems (of the worldly sort) in life that came to me. I became angry with God. Instead of helping me, it seems that He has made it worse! And when I find that my sexuality is not accepted in an orthodox church, I became a cynical and sceptical christian. I have never gone for baptism, and therefore, I was not allowed to take part in the communion in my church. Basically, I said bye bye to my church.

Why did I cry during the communion last Sunday in KL? Cos' I found Him again during that instant when I decided to take the bread and wine — or rather I should say, I realized that He has always been there for me all this while, and that even if I had dared to shout and scream many times at Him in my prayers before, He has shown his grace and mercy and continued to guide me the way He had wanted me to go.

It was an overwhelming of my emotions. All along, being gay in an orthodox church actually became a stumbling block in my path of seeking Him and his words in the bible. I felt that I didn't belong, even though I was physically there. But when Jerry introduced me to Safehaven more than a year ago, it was like an entirely new world to me. But slowly, I became disappointed again, with Him, for I could see the elements which I do not like about of the gay culture in Singapore (i.e. bitchiness, emphasis on looks, looking for a partner rather then Him, etc etc.), surfacing in this new church (that's the real reason why I left Safehaven twice, Leroy and Cyrus sweetie).

However, at this retreat, I finally came around my 'blindness' and God made me see that there are many people in this church who has done much to keep it going ... the efforts they put in, the sacrifices they made, and more importantly, the prejudices which they put aside. Daniel translating on the spot for Ivan; Sam, Arthur, Gerald practising for the song worship; Joshua who is ever ready to provide answers to my questions about christianity, Leroy and Andrew for the logistics, Boon Long and Kenneth, many others for their sharing and their help, and last but not least, Jason and Clarence: during one the sessions, you let it known that you were feeling emotionally tired, but let me tell you something: Safehaven and Safehands has become very precious to me now.

So ... that's about the answer to the email title above. All these accumulated emotions just exploded into tears. And I hope that one day, I'll be able to share in your burden.

Good night. God bless you all.

P.S. Thanks Sean, for passing me the tissue to wipe away my tears.