By Joshua

September 2003

I am born in 1963 to a Chinese family with a younger brother of 6 years my junior. My dad was a clerk and my mum a housewife looking after both of us.

There are family quarrels along the way, as one would expect of any other families. Yet, my brother and I do have our fair share of love from our mum and dad. Dad provided us with our needs; bestow us with care and concern that we needed as his children. My mum is by nature a more submissive woman, which is also the prevailing culture in 60's and 70's. On the whole, I my childhood is filled with fond memories that one could say that it is very fulfilling. Yet, I certainly experienced some differentiating difference between other growing boys with myself.

I could recall an incident of me taking notice of a particular boy at my kindergarten class during lesson. I remembered that he came to school with his sister but I was apparently only 'looking' at him and not his sister. There was another incident during Primary Two when I was attracted to this male classmate when he undressed himself while changing for a school performance. On hindsight, I would be able to account for these experiences.

I am a more gentle person in nature and would not mixed around much with the other boys during breaks at Primary School. My classmates will run about exhibiting the more rough and tough side of boys but I tend to enjoy the company of the girls.
Though, I still have some good male friends that we hang out and had some great times together.

I was enrolled in a Secondary Boy School and at Secondary One, I find myself paying attention to this particular guy and wanting the recipocrative response from him. At Secondary Three, that happened to another classmate of mine. The infatuation does not stop there. During Polytechnic and right into my army days there were countless of these experiences. It was only in my army that I was "madly" in love with one of my very close platoon mate that lasted for a period of 2 years. A couple of years later, I fell for another man who happened to be married with 2 kids. The irony of it all was that they were all straight men, and no physical intimacy involved. They were obviously also not in the capacity to reciprocate my feelings.

I did gone to some 'cruisy' place like the National Library or some swimming pools to know people. The graffiti on the walls of the toilets caused me to be sexually aroused but I am fearful of these 'strange' encounters. I wish to get acquainted with people of my inclinations or possibly to make some friends. Yet, the encounters with a couple of guys were disappointing. They are only interested to have sex and not genuine friendships. Not that I do have sexual desire to reject them of their approach but I would like to know them as a person than just to have sex. I am not really sure whether was it my values that would not allow myself to indulge in this illicit behaviors or plainly too scared to enjoy these 'one night stands'.

Actually till then and even now, I do not understand why I have this 'unusual' inclination. But because of my faith I embrace, I just find myself being torn apart between my longings and personal and religious convictions. My religious and moral stand requires me to honour God from what I do and not to bring disgrace and dishonouring my faith. But the compelling need of wanting to love and be love is real and I definitely could not deny.

Nevertheless, I do not see myself in any way a lesser person. I think I possess a rather positive and healthy self-image and as long as I hide this side of me from my family and close friends, I am very much accept, love and respected as who I am. Due to the lack of information in then Singapore, I do not have any avenue to find out more about this bothering issue and somehow got this naïve idea that I am the only few persons in the entire planet 'suffering' from it.

The turning point came in 1995 when I went to United States through the instigation of a friend to find out more about this "gay" culture that is prevailing in United States. That commenced my journey in facing this inclination of mine squarely and learning to grapple with it.
Over the few trips to United States, I met with many people who embraced spirituality like me and discovered that they are able to come in terms with their sexual orientation and their faith. They are able to accept themselves as who they are through acceptance by God. They are at peace with themselves holding fast to the belief that they are not weird or rejects out of creation. From these sources I got hold of much materials, research articles and biographies. The next three years I researched into the homosexual issue in great length through these various authors and authorities from medical, psychological and spiritual standpoints with varying perspectives. I was also offered, most importantly, other perspectives on the interpretation of the scriptures that caused me to change my convictions towards homosexuality. Science and Humanity augments has given objective platform for me in embracing the convictions that being gay and having a same sex partner is perfectly fine. Infact, the more in depth my research went and more people I talk and even debate with only concurred to this conviction.

Eventually in September 1998, I took a bold step to challenge this God to give me peace if I were to embrace this pro, accepting doctrine. It came through peacefully after the two weeks and I was resolute since then in seeking for myself a same sex life partner.

As I 'come out' to more people sharing with them my journey of struggle and my eventual convictions, I discovered that friends and love ones around me are not as unreceptive as I, or the rest of the people expected it to be. Probably many of these friends knew and trusted me as a person before that when the reality of me being gay has no bearing on our friendship or relationship.

It my hope in my greatest desire that Singapore would one day evolve into as accepting society that would eventually endorse commitment between same sex partnership, so that generations to come need not to suffer like what my generation need to go through.